au·then·tic·i·ty

I haven't forgotten about this guideline.  I did a bunch of web research about authenticity this winter.  It was a surprisingly hot topic.  Apparently there are people out there who are trying to pass themselves off as authentic this or that when they are anything but.

Who'da thunk it?

But I can't worry myself with that stuff.  The authenticity I'm concerned with this year as I keep this watchword in mind is all my own.

Learning to listen to the inner guide that lives in my heart hasn't been easy.  Actually, the listening is easy as hell.  It's the follow through that needs work.  For example:

I hate the gym.  I hate it with every fiber of my being and I make no attempt to hide it.  I hate the treadmill.  I hate the stationary bike.  I hate, hate, hate the elliptical.  They are so boring and pointless.  They make me want to put my own eyes out with a spork.  The thought of standing there in the constant pursuit of lifting ever heavier weights makes me want to run screaming into the night.

Well, maybe not actually run.  Running hurts my ankles.  I don't run.  I can, however, waddle rather quickly when necessary.

So tell me why in the hell do I keep trying to go to the gym to get exercise?  Because someone said that's how to do it.

I go.  I do whatever ridiculous activity of my choosing feeling a fool the entire time.  I feel a sense of hollow accomplishment.  Then I go and do the same thing again.  And again.  And again.  It's revolting and mind-numbing and I can't stand it.

And it's So. Not. Me. I tried so hard to like it.  I tried so hard to feel a sense of accomplishment when I went from 20 to 30 minutes on the bike.  Or that time I decided to do some intervals of light jogging during my dreadmill session.  Did I mention I don't run?  Yeah.  That didn't pan out so well.

Therefore, as of right now, I've sworn off the gym.  I've promised myself to never have to go again if I don't want to.  I'm listening to my inner guide and she's saying, "Let. It. Go."  I've done this before, I know.  But this time, I mean it.  I'm done.

Truth be told I don't have it in me to be that focused on my appearance anymore.  Sure, I used to.  But the thing I really want is good health.  I know that some of that will come with weight loss. Frankly, I can't worry about that now.  I'm more worried about what is going into my body than what is coming off.  The quality and quantity of my meals.  The fresh air.  The fitness that comes from living a clean life and an doing honest day's work.

And, I learned something new.

The scale is a bitch.  It lies.  You think that weight you lost is fat, but it's probably not.  It's more likely to be water and it will be back tomorrow or the next day. Sometimes if the scale isn't changing, your body is but that bitch won't tell you.  In the end, the number your scale shows you when you step on board is only a representation of the effect of gravity on the physical mass of your body.  Nothing more, nothing less.  It is not your self worth.  It is not a reflection of who you are as a person.  It is not a definition of your attractiveness to the opposite (or not) sex.  It is not the thing that lets you sleep well at night...more often, it's the reverse.  And, if you do somehow manage to lose weight and get to the place you wanted to be, you won't stay there without constant vigilence. 

I don't know if I have that kind of persistence in me.

No.  No more.  My life and my time are more valuable than that. I can't spend the time in relentless pursuit of something so pointless and fleeting.  I've sorta drifted off center a bit.  I'm righting my course now.  Heading back to alignment with who I am...my authentic self.  This doesn't mean I'm giving up.  I will get smaller and healthier, but I have to do it my own way.  I will find other metrics besides weight loss to measure my progress.  Say, climbing the stairs at work without wheezing or finally being able to wear those slacks again.  That would be a good start.

Because, really, if I actually get somewhere by trying to be someone or something I'm not, how long can I possibly hope to stay there?

Finding My Way

I've been quiet lately.  But, that's just because I've been busy.  The garden is growing nicely, work is busy and I went to a really fun outdoors workshop a couple weeks ago with one of my besties.

The thing that has my attention the most lately is my health and fitness.  My latest obsession is finding acceptance in my life.

It's hard to explain.  So, I'll try anyway.

A few weeks ago, I ran across a blog fatgirlphd.com and, honestly?  I think it changed my life.  No, really.

I have been on every diet there is.  Well, I haven't tried the one where they send you the food in the mail every week but that one kinda frightens me a little.  I did get to try some of their food and it left a lot to be desired.

But I digress.

The blog is a simple one.  It's basically the story of a woman in the UK who has lost a boatload of weight by not caring about losing weight anymore.  That's an oversimplification, of course.  I urge you to read her blog.  She shifted her focus from the scales to her health and happiness.  The weight loss was a by-product of shifting from processed, fast and junk foods to whole, more natural foods as well as a vast change in level of physical activity.

Finally!  Finally I found someone who made it work the way I wanted to make it work.  Sure it took her a longish time to lose the weight she lost, but it's real weight loss and unlikely to return with friends unlike the weight I lost on the last, pay-as-you-go website I tried.

I wonder how many steps it takes to burn these off?

I am sick to the back teeth of diets that work for awhile and then stop working because they are impossible to maintain.  Katie (the blog writer) is right.  A lifestyle change is in order.

So I've done it.  Again.  But there's a difference this time that I can't quite pin down.  I'm eating better.  I'm eating fewer calories.  I'm walking 10,000+ steps a day and riding my bike.  The real kicker is I have an appointment with a personal trainer on Friday.

Holy buckets!  This sounds serious.  I feel almost...confident.  Is that possible?

The best thing is, for the first time in a long time, I feel optimism.  I am no longer under the pressure of 'being good' or 'being strong' or 'having an iron will.'  I can feel good about trying.  I can feel good about making changes even if the scale doesn't move because I'm learning to listen to my body and pay attention to how it feels about the things I do to it. I like it when I eat well and my body feels, perhaps shockingly, good.  That makes me smile almost as much as this red columbine.

*At this point I feel I need to point out that fatgirlphd does not sell anything that I can tell.  I'm not endorsing a product nor have I been paid to write about this. It's just a cool blog.  So there.