Tuesday, November 1, 2016

What's This Now?

Today I spent about 30 minutes on IM with a very good friend from my old career. We worked together for several years and during that time spent many an hour chatting on IM and working our tails off. It was so good to talk to her and listen to her vent a bit about her work at that particular salt mine. I was reminded that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

The Sangre de Cristos as seen from the Village Inn parking lot in Canon City, Colorado.  This has nothing whatsoever to do with the blog topic.  I just like it.
After our talk, I sat and unfolded and refolded the fabrics I bought today to sew some new holiday scrubs for myself. I found a great clearance sale and got several Halloween prints and a few Christmas prints. I had to smile at myself for being so...ridiculously happy?

What?  What's this now?

As painful as the transition has been, I have caught myself feeling more peaceful and content than I have in many, many years. I know the struggles in my life are not over. I know that the pain of the last year or two has left an indelible mark on my heart and mind. I also know that there is almost certainly more of the same to come.  But, I've come to realize that these times that try our souls are opportunities to grow as cliche as that sounds. Well, not so much 'opportunities' as forced barefoot marches over hot coals and broken glass in some cases. I think I've grown into a completely different person with a new and improved empathy for others.

These days, I can think about Mom or my old job without bursting into tears or having my heart ripped in two from the longing for what once was.  I no longer feel a compulsive need to repeatedly peruse the help wanted web sites in a desperate search for a job that no longer exists.

This is sorta what it feels like trying to find a job that doesn't exist whilst simultaneously trying to hang on to the one you've got and wish you didn't have to keep.  I am fairly certain that I didn't look quite so graceful.

What may be even more important is the fact that I can now (in small doses) look through the old photos I found in Mom's house and not feel an overwhelming, horrific sense of loss. I still feel her loss.  It's just not all-consuming all the damn time. 

This is the mule deer fawn that walked right up to Mom's patio doors and didn't see me standing right on the other side.  This happened while I was staying there alone sorting through her things after she was gone.  He came to keep me company for a bit.

In spite of thinking it would never be possible again, I am okay.

I really am.  If you had told me even a few months ago that this would happen, I wouldn't have believed you.  Well, I might have believed you, but I would have been quite leery of the timing.

I am honestly trying to look leery.  I think I look like I have something in my eye.

Thanks for listening.