Life is like that sometimes. It's often the things you can't see, or those that aren't at least readily evident, that create the largest impact. Think about the last time you accidentally bit the inside of your mouth. It's a small thing that nobody else knows about unless you tell them, but you can't think about anything else every time you eat or drink for a couple of days. At least I can't when it happens to me. But my pain threshold is pretty low.
I've done a lot of soul searching the last couple of weeks. I spend quite a bit of time on my own when I stay in the city at The Rookery (a nickname I came up with for the place I stay when I'm there. It was either that or the catacombs which is far too maudlin...neither is perfect, really). When I first started staying there, it was great! I had all this time on my own to do the things that I couldn't find time for at home. I made baby gifts. I tried new recipes. I crocheted Christmas gifts and ornaments. I read an actual book. I tried English paper-piecing a small quilt which still isn't done but I work on it a bit here and there.
|These little hexagons are all stitched together by hand. It takes FOREVER.|
Yeah, yeah, I know. How can you tell? Ha. Ha.
In all that silence and by-my-self-ed-ness, it's easy to lose sight of the things that really matter. The little things that well up inside me can and do take over. All those little things that I try so hard not show the world and that nobody would ever probably guess start to press their way out. When it's just me, then me is all I have to look at.
I recently read a quote that said a life unexamined wasn't worth living and I suppose that's true to some extent. I would like to counter and say that a life over-examined isn't properly lived at all. Pieces of it are re-lived and replayed over and over. Mistakes are re-made and magnified. Molehills become mountains. I am haunted by my own creations.
I am especially haunted lately. Things have been happening in my life that I have no control over. I feel betrayed...used...even though I probably have no right to feel that way. That doesn't change the fact that I feel what I feel and in the big, empty shell of by-my-self-ed-ness, that feeling is enormous. It crowds everything else out, good and bad, until all I'm left with is a certain sense of having somehow earned feeling so damned awful and alone. What goes around, comes around is what we used to call it.
Which is, I'm told, utter nonsense. Sitting here at home with my husband and my dogs and my real life all around me, I can see the wisdom in those words. The trick is remembering that when I'm holed up in that pigeon hole.
I keep telling myself that everything will be okay in the end. And, if it's not okay, then it's clearly not the end.