au·then·tic·i·ty

I haven't forgotten about this guideline.  I did a bunch of web research about authenticity this winter.  It was a surprisingly hot topic.  Apparently there are people out there who are trying to pass themselves off as authentic this or that when they are anything but.

Who'da thunk it?

But I can't worry myself with that stuff.  The authenticity I'm concerned with this year as I keep this watchword in mind is all my own.

Learning to listen to the inner guide that lives in my heart hasn't been easy.  Actually, the listening is easy as hell.  It's the follow through that needs work.  For example:

I hate the gym.  I hate it with every fiber of my being and I make no attempt to hide it.  I hate the treadmill.  I hate the stationary bike.  I hate, hate, hate the elliptical.  They are so boring and pointless.  They make me want to put my own eyes out with a spork.  The thought of standing there in the constant pursuit of lifting ever heavier weights makes me want to run screaming into the night.

Well, maybe not actually run.  Running hurts my ankles.  I don't run.  I can, however, waddle rather quickly when necessary.

So tell me why in the hell do I keep trying to go to the gym to get exercise?  Because someone said that's how to do it.

I go.  I do whatever ridiculous activity of my choosing feeling a fool the entire time.  I feel a sense of hollow accomplishment.  Then I go and do the same thing again.  And again.  And again.  It's revolting and mind-numbing and I can't stand it.

And it's So. Not. Me. I tried so hard to like it.  I tried so hard to feel a sense of accomplishment when I went from 20 to 30 minutes on the bike.  Or that time I decided to do some intervals of light jogging during my dreadmill session.  Did I mention I don't run?  Yeah.  That didn't pan out so well.

Therefore, as of right now, I've sworn off the gym.  I've promised myself to never have to go again if I don't want to.  I'm listening to my inner guide and she's saying, "Let. It. Go."  I've done this before, I know.  But this time, I mean it.  I'm done.

Truth be told I don't have it in me to be that focused on my appearance anymore.  Sure, I used to.  But the thing I really want is good health.  I know that some of that will come with weight loss. Frankly, I can't worry about that now.  I'm more worried about what is going into my body than what is coming off.  The quality and quantity of my meals.  The fresh air.  The fitness that comes from living a clean life and an doing honest day's work.

And, I learned something new.

The scale is a bitch.  It lies.  You think that weight you lost is fat, but it's probably not.  It's more likely to be water and it will be back tomorrow or the next day. Sometimes if the scale isn't changing, your body is but that bitch won't tell you.  In the end, the number your scale shows you when you step on board is only a representation of the effect of gravity on the physical mass of your body.  Nothing more, nothing less.  It is not your self worth.  It is not a reflection of who you are as a person.  It is not a definition of your attractiveness to the opposite (or not) sex.  It is not the thing that lets you sleep well at night...more often, it's the reverse.  And, if you do somehow manage to lose weight and get to the place you wanted to be, you won't stay there without constant vigilence. 

I don't know if I have that kind of persistence in me.

No.  No more.  My life and my time are more valuable than that. I can't spend the time in relentless pursuit of something so pointless and fleeting.  I've sorta drifted off center a bit.  I'm righting my course now.  Heading back to alignment with who I am...my authentic self.  This doesn't mean I'm giving up.  I will get smaller and healthier, but I have to do it my own way.  I will find other metrics besides weight loss to measure my progress.  Say, climbing the stairs at work without wheezing or finally being able to wear those slacks again.  That would be a good start.

Because, really, if I actually get somewhere by trying to be someone or something I'm not, how long can I possibly hope to stay there?

Respite

I've been sort of MIA lately.  Things have been cooking along in the garden and the recent overnight freeze should effectively end the gardening season for this year.  Now I face the daunting task of pulling out and hauling away a lot of dead garden plants.

This makes me sad but I've come to understand the need for the period of rest nature takes every winter.  I've been having my own period of rest.

Dotti-Dog--
Demon Arm Twister

I messed up my shoulder last winter playing with my dog, Dotti-dog.  She's an English Pointer/Crackhead cross with more energy than 10 Jack Russel Terriers.  Anyway, long story short, after a summer of heavy garden work, I found myself with a nasty case of frozen shoulder.  Not to worry though, it's getting better with some professional help, some time on 'the rack' and an appropriate amount of swearing.

Back to that period of rest.

I've been sort of down and out about my condition at times. I've spent a lot of time sitting in quiet contemplation mostly in my garden until a couple days ago.  Brrr...

When you slow down and be still for a time, you begin to listen to things more carefully.  The chirping birds and the wind in the trees will speak if you listen to them.  So will your heart. 

Mine had been talking to me for some time.  Not in the immediate, in-your-face way that a heart attack speaks but in the gentle, listen-to-me way that a patient friend will use when they are trying to tell you something important and maybe difficult.

What my heart was telling me is this: "Yer not getting any younger, sweetie."

Things that I once did without a second thought had become at best difficult and at worst impossible.  Like mowing the yard or carrying in the groceries from the car or reaching into the backseat of said car for a tissue.

It makes you think.  It made me think anyway.

So, I used this respite to think and come to some decisions about my life.  Yeah, yeah, the retirement thing is still on and I love where I live and my garden and all the things that go with it.  But I came up with a list of things that I think we all can relate to and benefit from.  I'm sure your Mom told you all these things at one time or another.  I think we could all use a reminder so I'm going to tell you again:

1. Sleep more.  As a nation, we are sleep deprived.  My plan is for 7 hours a night.
2. Exercise more.  As a nation, we are getting fatter and more unhealthy.  My therapist has sparked a renewed interest in weight training and I plan to pursue that interest with enthusiasm.
3. Laugh more.  Life is already so serious!  And worrying about it doesn't make it better or go away.  So laugh already.  Enjoy life!
4. Love more.  How can that be bad?  I'm not talking about sex.  I'm talking about love.  Love more beginning with yourself.  I get that now.  It's kind of a trite but true saying: You can't really love anyone or anything without first loving yourself.  So get on with it already!  Treat yourself with the same sort of care you would lavish upon someone you really love.

This is what happens when I have spare time on my hands.  Maybe I'll plan a regular respite and see what else happens.

Peace.