I haven't forgotten about this guideline. I did a bunch of web research about authenticity this winter. It was a surprisingly hot topic. Apparently there are people out there who are trying to pass themselves off as authentic this or that when they are anything but.
Who'da thunk it?
But I can't worry myself with that stuff. The authenticity I'm concerned with this year as I keep this watchword in mind is all my own.
Learning to listen to the inner guide that lives in my heart hasn't been easy. Actually, the listening is easy as hell. It's the follow through that needs work. For example:
I hate the gym. I hate it with every fiber of my being and I make no attempt to hide it. I hate the treadmill. I hate the stationary bike. I hate, hate, hate the elliptical. They are so boring and pointless. They make me want to put my own eyes out with a spork. The thought of standing there in the constant pursuit of lifting ever heavier weights makes me want to run screaming into the night.
Well, maybe not actually run. Running hurts my ankles. I don't run. I can, however, waddle rather quickly when necessary.
So tell me why in the hell do I keep trying to go to the gym to get exercise? Because someone said that's how to do it.
I go. I do whatever ridiculous activity of my choosing feeling a fool the entire time. I feel a sense of hollow accomplishment. Then I go and do the same thing again. And again. And again. It's revolting and mind-numbing and I can't stand it.
And it's So. Not. Me. I tried so hard to like it. I tried so hard to feel a sense of accomplishment when I went from 20 to 30 minutes on the bike. Or that time I decided to do some intervals of light jogging during my dreadmill session. Did I mention I don't run? Yeah. That didn't pan out so well.
Therefore, as of right now, I've sworn off the gym. I've promised myself to never have to go again if I don't want to. I'm listening to my inner guide and she's saying, "Let. It. Go." I've done this before, I know. But this time, I mean it. I'm done.
Truth be told I don't have it in me to be that focused on my appearance anymore. Sure, I used to. But the thing I really want is good health. I know that some of that will come with weight loss. Frankly, I can't worry about that now. I'm more worried about what is going into my body than what is coming off. The quality and quantity of my meals. The fresh air. The fitness that comes from living a clean life and an doing honest day's work.
And, I learned something new.
The scale is a bitch. It lies. You think that weight you lost is fat, but it's probably not. It's more likely to be water and it will be back tomorrow or the next day. Sometimes if the scale isn't changing, your body is but that bitch won't tell you. In the end, the number your scale shows you when you step on board is only a representation of the effect of gravity on the physical mass of your body. Nothing more, nothing less. It is not your self worth. It is not a reflection of who you are as a person. It is not a definition of your attractiveness to the opposite (or not) sex. It is not the thing that lets you sleep well at night...more often, it's the reverse. And, if you do somehow manage to lose weight and get to the place you wanted to be, you won't stay there without constant vigilence.
I don't know if I have that kind of persistence in me.
No. No more. My life and my time are more valuable than that. I can't spend the time in relentless pursuit of something so pointless and fleeting. I've sorta drifted off center a bit. I'm righting my course now. Heading back to alignment with who I am...my authentic self. This doesn't mean I'm giving up. I will get smaller and healthier, but I have to do it my own way. I will find other metrics besides weight loss to measure my progress. Say, climbing the stairs at work without wheezing or finally being able to wear those slacks again. That would be a good start.
Because, really, if I actually get somewhere by trying to be someone or something I'm not, how long can I possibly hope to stay there?
Showing posts with label inner guide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inner guide. Show all posts
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Friday, October 5, 2012
The Unveiling
Do you ever wonder how many times you have to learn a lesson before it sticks?
When I was young, and I was young once, I used to think that once you got to be a certain age, you figured everything out, bought a house and planned for retirement.
I was right about everything except the part where I figure everything out. I haven't figured out a damn thing. That fact is obvious everywhere I look.
Take Lisa, for example. Lisa is a dear, precious soul who has been a brilliant light in my life. She has listened to my complaints and troubles. She has hugged me and smiled and reassured me. She has told me to eat seasonally and listen to my body. Over and over again.
One time, Lisa told me that my most important and best guru is my inner teacher. My inner guide. I almost laughed. My analytical mind immediately dismissed that as ludicrous. After all, I haven't figured everything out yet so the answer must be out there somewhere. I just need to 'friend' the right person or make the right google search to find it.
Not too long ago, I was reading Lisa's blog. She was talking about the chakras and what they mean. She shared an assignment she had finished. The assignment was to discover a song that resonated with you and a particular chakra. She listed out her songs and it was an impressive list. Lisa did her homework and a carefully crafted list of the perfect songs was the result. Or so I thought.
I took this assignment on for myself. Since then, I've listened carefully to hundreds of songs looking for clues as to which particular chakra they could represent.
Nothing. Not a single song worked for me. I decided this was an impossible task and gave up without having chosen even one song as a starting place. What happened next is probably predictable.
This morning as I was driving to work, I was listening to the radio. It was an ordinary morning with the usual drive to work and the same DJ on the same old radio station I've listened to for years. Today he played a song I hadn't heard in a long time. As the familiar melody began, it happened. I felt as though my true voice had been freed. My throat opened and I sang at the top of my lungs. I carried the tune with confidence and satisfaction. Every word rang solid and true in my ears.
I was speaking my truth using the words of a long dead musician.
On the heels of that realization, the floodgates opened and song after song came to mind for me. Long after I'd gotten to work and started my day, I would hear a new song in my head and know it was the right one. I came home from work with Post-it notes in my pockets with snippets of songs written down.
But the crazy part isn't the songs or the list. The crazy part is I think I may have figured it out. Maybe not everything, but the most important thing. The sad part is that Lisa told me several times and I didn't hear her. I was listening with my head and not hearing with my heart.
She said (using words to this effect), "The best guru is your inner teacher. If you listen to her and follow your heart, she will never steer you wrong."
I still have a lot to learn and a lot of listening to do. But today I felt a fundamental shift inside myself. It was a sense of things clicking into place. It felt...right. And you know what the thing that feels 'rightest' about it is?
It's okay. Well and truly okay. It doesn't matter what other people think. Not of me or my list or this blog. None of it matters. What matters is what comes from inside...from that inner teacher.
So. Now, for Lisa and her wisdom, here is my list:
When I was young, and I was young once, I used to think that once you got to be a certain age, you figured everything out, bought a house and planned for retirement.
I was right about everything except the part where I figure everything out. I haven't figured out a damn thing. That fact is obvious everywhere I look.
Take Lisa, for example. Lisa is a dear, precious soul who has been a brilliant light in my life. She has listened to my complaints and troubles. She has hugged me and smiled and reassured me. She has told me to eat seasonally and listen to my body. Over and over again.
One time, Lisa told me that my most important and best guru is my inner teacher. My inner guide. I almost laughed. My analytical mind immediately dismissed that as ludicrous. After all, I haven't figured everything out yet so the answer must be out there somewhere. I just need to 'friend' the right person or make the right google search to find it.
Not too long ago, I was reading Lisa's blog. She was talking about the chakras and what they mean. She shared an assignment she had finished. The assignment was to discover a song that resonated with you and a particular chakra. She listed out her songs and it was an impressive list. Lisa did her homework and a carefully crafted list of the perfect songs was the result. Or so I thought.
I took this assignment on for myself. Since then, I've listened carefully to hundreds of songs looking for clues as to which particular chakra they could represent.
Nothing. Not a single song worked for me. I decided this was an impossible task and gave up without having chosen even one song as a starting place. What happened next is probably predictable.
This morning as I was driving to work, I was listening to the radio. It was an ordinary morning with the usual drive to work and the same DJ on the same old radio station I've listened to for years. Today he played a song I hadn't heard in a long time. As the familiar melody began, it happened. I felt as though my true voice had been freed. My throat opened and I sang at the top of my lungs. I carried the tune with confidence and satisfaction. Every word rang solid and true in my ears.
I was speaking my truth using the words of a long dead musician.
On the heels of that realization, the floodgates opened and song after song came to mind for me. Long after I'd gotten to work and started my day, I would hear a new song in my head and know it was the right one. I came home from work with Post-it notes in my pockets with snippets of songs written down.
But the crazy part isn't the songs or the list. The crazy part is I think I may have figured it out. Maybe not everything, but the most important thing. The sad part is that Lisa told me several times and I didn't hear her. I was listening with my head and not hearing with my heart.
She said (using words to this effect), "The best guru is your inner teacher. If you listen to her and follow your heart, she will never steer you wrong."
I still have a lot to learn and a lot of listening to do. But today I felt a fundamental shift inside myself. It was a sense of things clicking into place. It felt...right. And you know what the thing that feels 'rightest' about it is?
It's okay. Well and truly okay. It doesn't matter what other people think. Not of me or my list or this blog. None of it matters. What matters is what comes from inside...from that inner teacher.
So. Now, for Lisa and her wisdom, here is my list:
- Muladhara: Sarah McLachlan--Song for a Winter's Night
- Svadhisthana: Grand Funk Railroad--Some Kind of Wonderful
- Manipura: Beats Antique--Relic
- Anahata: Solace--Bounce
- Visuddha: John Lennon--Imagine
- Sahasrara: The Who--Reign O'er Me.
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